One liners from Steven Wright

[Vegas Halo Fan]

I have seen Steven Wright in concert three times, and I never get tired of it. Some gems from the king of deadpan one liners:

 

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Tank]

One of the most unique comedians in the business.

[Stradling]

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

[Stradling]

My girl friend has long flowing............plaid hair

[HaloMilliVanilli]

I got some powdered water......but I don't know what to add.

[Blarg]

I got pulled over by a cop, he said I was doing 70 in a 40 mph zone. I told him I wasn't going to be out that long. 

[NJHalo]

There's a fine line between fishing, and just standing on the beach

[Stradling]

I put instant coffee in the microwave, I almost went back in time

[Stradling]

I got pulled over doing 53 in a 35, I told the cop I was dyslexic

[Adam]

I slept with a Canadian chick once. She showed me her "eh" face. 

[Vegas Halo Fan]

During one show I attended, Wright said "My parents told me to never talk to strangers" - then he walked off the stage.

[Tank]

During one show I attended, Wright said "My parents told me to never talk to strangers" - then he walked off the stage.

 

brilliant!

[Ray McKigney]

K-BILLY's "Super Sounds of the 70s" continues and if you're the 12th caller you'll win two tickets to the monster truck extravaganza being held tonight at the Carson Fairgrounds, featuring Big Daddy Don Bodine's truck, "The Behemoth."

[HaloMilliVanilli]

Isn't it strange that we drive our cars on the parkway but park them on the driveway?

[Vernster52]

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

[Vegas Halo Fan]

My nephew has HDADD - high definition attention deficit disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does, it's incredibly clear.

[T.G.]

[T.G.]

[T.G.]

[cysomeawfulpitcher]

Turns out the zebra did it.

[mrwicked]

he was great in natural born killers.

 

[Brandon]

Man, as a comedy buff I feel like I'm the only dude that doesn't like one liners....kind of like how I'm a Californian, but don't like guacamole. I never got into Mitch Hedberg, either. Even watching Anthony Jeselniks new Netflix special was rough, although for one liners I thought he was entertaining.

[Lou]

you don't like Mitch Hedb . . . whoa, hold on a minute! you don't like guacamole? 

f'n commie. 

[Brandon]

1 hour ago, Lou said:

you don't like Mitch Hedb . . . whoa, hold on a minute! you don't like guacamole? 

f'n commie. 

I’m sure they will feed it to me in hell

[cysomeawfulpitcher]

On 10/25/2019 at 3:17 AM, mrwicked said:

he was great in natural born killers.

 

Ditto Half Baked.