Clean jokes thread

[Slegnaac]

Arguing with the wife is like reading the software license agreement. In the end you ignore everything and click "i agree".

[Vegas Halo Fan]

Comedienne Kathleen Madigan on voting for judges:

"The only judge I know is Judy, and she wasn't on the ballot."

"I'm just hiring and firing people for no good reason. All the women are staying. There's a good Irish name, one of my people, and I'll round it off with the Mexican fella."

[Taylor]

12 hours ago, Vegas Halo Fan said:

Comedienne Kathleen Madigan on voting for judges:

"The only judge I know is Judy, and she wasn't on the ballot."

"I'm just hiring and firing people for no good reason. All the women are staying. There's a good Irish name, one of my people, and I'll round it off with the Mexican fella."

I used a similar strategy, except I voted for all the judge candidates who were not endorsed by O.C. Sheriff Don Barnes.

[Lou]

14 hours ago, Vegas Halo Fan said:

Comedienne Kathleen Madigan on voting for judges:

"The only judge I know is Judy, and she wasn't on the ballot."

"I'm just hiring and firing people for no good reason. All the women are staying. There's a good Irish name, one of my people, and I'll round it off with the Mexican fella."

What was that people were saying about women not being funny?

[Vegas Halo Fan]

10 hours ago, Lou said:

What was that people were saying about women not being funny?

I have seen Kathleen Madigan perform live twice. If you get the chance, I highly recommend it.

Edited July 6, 2022 by Vegas Halo Fan

[Lou]

8 hours ago, Vegas Halo Fan said:

I have seen Kathleen Madigan perform live twice. If you get the chance, I highly recommend it.

Pass 

[Slegnaac]

20 hours ago, Lou said:

What was that people were saying about women not being funny?

Cristela Alonzo has a new special on Netflix. 

Edited July 6, 2022 by Slegnaac

[Lou]

2 minutes ago, Slegnaac said:

Christela Alonzo has a new special on Netflix. 

Never heard of her.

[Slegnaac]

7 minutes ago, Lou said:

Never heard of her.

Probably because I misspelled her name. 

Cristela Alonzo

[Lou]

49 minutes ago, Slegnaac said:

Probably because I misspelled her name. 

Cristela Alonzo

Still 

[fan_since79]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!”

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say, ‘nothing’… know how to make them truly happy…”

The genie said, “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?”

[T.G.]

8 hours ago, fan_since79 said:

 

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

 

Which California Beach?

[Taylor]

12 hours ago, fan_since79 said:

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!”

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say, ‘nothing’… know how to make them truly happy…”

The genie said, “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?”

This is a good joke. Thanks for the laugh.

You could also replace the fourth paragraph with, "The Angels haven't been to the playoffs since 2014, and even then they were swept out of the first round. I wish for the Angels' organization to be solid again. Everything from scouting to development to coaching to the front office to be on the same page with building an effective team that competes on a yearly basis. Bring joy back to the fans who have invested so much time, money, and energy into their favorite team."

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

[Blarg]

4 hours ago, T.G. said:

Which California Beach?

Black's Beach. Origionly he thought he stubbed his toe on a dick buried in the sand. 

[Slegnaac]

Last night I was on the sofa watching the Angels game when I heard my wife voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love, Chicken, Beef or  Lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I will have Chicken please."

She replied, "You're having soup.  I was talking to the cat!"

[katie]

I love playing tricks on vampires, they’re such suckers. 

[Lou]

What does a pepper do when it’s angry?

 

It gets jalapeño face!

[Vegas Halo Fan]

[Taylor]

A guy is spending his first night in prison. He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.

Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.

"46!" and everyone loses their minds.

He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"

"Well we've all been here so long we remember all the jokes by heart. To save time we just give them numbers and tell those instead."

"Oh I think I understand. Let me try. 63!"

There's dead silence.

The new guy says "What's wrong, is that one not funny?"

"Nah, it's a good one. Some people just don't know how tell a joke."

[katie]

The rotation of the earth really makes my day. 

[Redondo]

AOC sits down in the first class seat on her plane. The flight attendant comes over and says "Ma'am, may I please see your ticket." AOC hands her the ticket. The flight attendant says, "I'm sorry ma'am you are in coach, not first class." AOC says I'm a member of Congress and I'm going to Miami." The Flight attendant gets the Captain and the Captain says, I'm sorry ma'am but you need to go to coach." AOC savs " I am a member of Congress and I am going to Miami." After arguing for a few minutes, AOC takes her bags and goes to coach. The flight attendant asked the Captain, "How did you get her to leave?" The captain replied. "I told her first class doesn't land in Miami.

[Taylor]

Weird to choose AOC since she always flies in coach, just like Bernie does. MJT would have been a better subject for the joke.

[Blarg]

You have become such a humorless noodge. 

[Lou]

Ha. Did someone really defend AOC in the Clean Jokes Thread? 

[Taylor]

"Defend"